Valentine Love Clinic

on Saturday, February 14, 2009

How are you all? It's hard to believe that it has been one year since the squirrel asked me, Aikenvoodoo-U Cassanova Lovelace the Great Witch Doctor, to give advice to lovers. Valentine's Day has come round again and some of you may do something foolishly romantic and one thing leads to another and before long, marriage is being considered. This is not good. Too many marriages fail today because people are not ready for it or have unrealistic expectations. To help you decide whether you are ready for even a serious relationship, I have prepared a few questions. I hope it will be helpful.


Are you a man?

If your answer was “No” or “Not sure”, there really isn’t much point in discussing this further. If your answer was “Yes”, I would ask to see proof. You see, you are not a man unless you have gone through a rite of passage into manhood. For example, in my village, a young boy would be expected to go out into the wilderness for one week by himself, find a lion to fight with and bring back a handful of hair from the lion’s mane. That handful of lion’s hair woven into a bracelet was proof of our manhood; our certificate and license to marry.

What is your proof of manhood? Of course, I understand that you wimpy city dwellers do not have access to many lions but there must be something that you can do to prove your bravery and strength. Canadians do it by playing ice hockey and their toothless grin is their proof of manhood. If sports is not your thing, going on a holiday with your future mother-in-law is quite close to tangling with lions.

Do you own livestock?

Women like to know that their man can provide financial security. If your answer is “No” then you are not ready for marriage. If you have not even prepared ahead for your dowry, you clearly have not planned for your financial future. My last wife’s dowry cost me 6 cows, 2 goats and 8 chickens which is pretty much the going rate these days. Livestock remains important even in the Western world except that it is represented slightly differently. Believe me, women are more likely to say “yes” to you if you own a 600 horsepower Ferrari rather than a 200 horsepower family van.

What is eix = cos x + i sin x?

If you can’t even understand this simple equation how are you going to understand women. They are far more complex. You are not ready for a relationship with a woman.


Have you ever had a pet?

If you have never taken care of a pet, then you are not yet ready for marriage. Having a pet (preferably a dog) prepares you to cope with a demanding, whiny and dependent individual. You do know that majority of the bachelors out there are not even house trained, don’t you?

Do you believe that you can change your man into Prince Charming?

If you said “No”, you are entering into marriage with your eyes open. You are a realist and know what you are getting into. If you said “Yes”, then you are about to learn that the frog that you kissed and turned into Prince Charming will soon turn back to a toad after marriage. Men are animals. Get used to it.

What is eix = cos x + i sin x?

If you understand this, you are way too intelligent. Men will feel threatened. You can continue your career as a rocket scientist but at home with your husband you need to speak like Jessica Simpson’s Daisy Duke in the Duke of Hazzard. It’s not difficult; just practice.


kat said...

LGS-- I pass the female test deliver unto me The Man.

kat said...

or at least a Valentine from you please! said...

I am a man, but someone has taken my cattle. It's called divorce.

tsduff said...

All of these questions, are why I am not married. Done. :)

I caught a cute picture of a cousin or yours down in the Florida gulf yesterday - he asked after you ;)

Have a happy Valentine's Day!

kat said...

Ivan... that was hilarious!

bittersweet funny

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Congrats for passing the female test but unfortunately I am fresh out of men to send. I can work on the Valentine though.

yeah,sorry mate. If it is any consolation, cattle contribute to green house gas. So at least you have reduced your ecological footprint. Best I could come up with.

Odat said...

OMG LMAOOOOOO........Is that guy your owner???

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!


Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Happy Valentine's Day.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Squirrels are free! We have no owner! :) God bless.

kat said...

Happy Valentine's!

Thank you and you have been properly appreciated on my site as well!

And I so appreciate and love that you visit me at etc etc etc too!

kat said...

fresh out of men?

You mean you gave some away to others before me!?!

mago said...

:) Happy Valentin's Day!

Marja said...

Hilarious I didn't pass the test completely but my hubby didn't either so that works out well than

Marja said...

oh and I've got an award for you squirrel

Jo said...

Aikenvoodoo-U Cassanova Lovelace, Oh Great Witch Doctor, you are indeed wise --- especially about that Daisy Duke thing. I hear Jessica Simpson drives a Ferrari.

citizen of the world said...

I have had many pets and a couple of kids. Check.

I have no illusions about changing a man into Prince Charming. Prince CHarming always struck me as a little stuffy anyway. Check.

BUT, any man who needs me to play dumb is not anywhere close to man enough for me.

MedStudentWife said...

Toads are good:)

Crap I know math :( - yet ther equation..... I hate circular math !!!!

Fidel is a MSc in math :0 and as we here, at home, officially established him as THE geek with a "G"

I've got a lot of adjustin' to do Dr. C (men, math, boys, mess, stuff)

Any hope/help ?

I think chocolate is a good bridge

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I quite enjoy visiting you at etc etc etc. I like to learn more about your work and the people you meet and also the various family related posts. Your Ginger series is also fun though is Taylor getting less "air-time" as a result?

Did I say "fresh out of men"? What I meant was it isn't easy to find good men these days - what with proliferation of spoiled brats and phyto-estrogen in the environment! :)

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I hope you had a good Valentine's Day.

Thank you again for the award. Much appreciated. It is a great encouragement.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Horses scare me. This I think lowers my attractability factor substantially.

I distance myself from what Dr. Cassanova Lovelace says about women having to talk dumb. In my experience, men don't listen anyway! :) (Please do not hit squirrel. All is meant in jest).

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

If it helps, the variable on the left of the equation was supposed to be e to the power of ix. I could not get superscript on blogger. Most of what Aikenvoodoo-U said is just stereotypical malarkey. I think in the end it comes down to having realistic expectations, a willingness to compromise and forgive and having a good way to communicate and resolving conflicts. Forget the maths!

citizen of the world said...

I would never hit a squirrel - too cute!

kat said...

Yes! I too have noticed that Taylor is getting short changed ..... that already I have posted more about the cats than my dog!

I will have to make up for that!

I am enjoying my etc etc etc opportunity to post things other than the garden and buggies and critters and such.....

My world encompasses the rural And the urban :-) ....

as for it being so private and unlisted, well, I need a place to write where my sister is not constantly looking at it (as she does on my other blog) and not giving me any feedback of significance... she does not comment even in a phone conversation .... it feels weird that she doesn't

and I am more comfortable myself posting privately about friends and family :-)

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