What Do They Mean .........?

"What DO they mean?" I came across this advertisement panel at my local shopping mall promoting a men's skin care facility. Another service for the enlightened metro-sexual male, no doubt. It even offers a facial and a tummy sculpting for the price of one procedure. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I could probably do with some tummy sculpturing but in my case, the end result will probably still not resemble hard and clearly chiseled sculpture abs like
that of Michelangelo's David; probably more like the abs on the Pilsbury Doughboy. But what really caught my attention was there pledge, boldly emblazoned across the advert, "Looking Good is Not an Option at MSC". Whatever DO they mean?





So, I may not be a hunk but at least I am cute.

Yes? Maybe? A little? Please?






Anyway, it got me thinking of a few examples of other similar failures to communicate appropriately in the English Language.

A common sign that you will see in Malaysian retail stores during our sales season reads, "Buy one free one". I remember one foreign tourist asking the sales clerk to explain; "If it is free, why do I have to buy it?" The intended message would be clearer if it said "Two for the price of one."

Sometimes, you can't be 100% sure that there was a mistake made or that the sign really does mean what it says. When the Petronas Twin Towers (previously the world's tallest building) first opened to the public, not all the lifts and escalators were fully operational. On one such lift which was meant to ferry visitors from the underground carpark up to the lobby was this sigh that read, "Lift is out of order. Any convenience is deeply regretted."

What do you think? A language error or the work of a sadistic maintenance worker?

Another favorite of mine was a sign at a teachers' training workshop which read like this; "After lunch, the Modern Maths workgroup will meet in the larger half of the hall."

The "larger half"? Is that what they mean by "modern" maths or is it that mathematics is finally reconciling itself to the fact that in this world, the reality is that all people are equal but some are more equal than others?

Space Opera

No one will ever mistakenly accuse me of being high-browed and cultured. I certainly don't track with the black tie penguin suits of high society. Sadly, this extends beyond my lack of interest in participating in the extravagant social rituals of the aristocracy and my lack of money to pursue them. I genuinely do not seem to know how to enjoy or appreciate some of the things that are adored by this set. For example, I do not see the fuss made about foie gras. Please, it's liver! Apart from the debate about whether it is ethical to force feed the ducks to get the fatty liver which is made into foie gras (in humans, a fatty liver is medically a diseased liver), I never liked eating my liver and onions and hiding what it is behind a foreign (non-English) name still does not hide its intense liver taste.

Another thing that brands me solidly as a Philistine squirrel is my lack of appreciation of opera. Wikipedia says that "Opera is an art form in which singers and musicians perform a dramatic work combining text (called a libretto) and musical score. The word opera means "work" in Italian (it is the plural of Latin opus meaning "work" or "labour") suggesting that it combines the arts of solo and choral singing, declamation, acting and dancing in a staged spectacle." Hmmm. Well, that just sounds like a musical just like "West Side Story" or "Phantom of the Opera" but in a different language (just like the foie gras case).

Now, don't get me wrong. I love the modern musical. I just don't understand why people pay top dollar, get dressed to the nines and go an see a musical which tells a story in a foreign language that I can only understand from reading the souvenir program which I have to purchase separately at an extortionist rate.

It probably did not help that my early introduction to Opera was something from Wagner's Ring Cycle based on German and Norse mythology. It is of course sung in German, and as I remember it, sung by big women wearing fake blond wigs with pig-tails, armoured breasts (like Madonna's) and horned helmets. Even one of its more famous songs, "The Ride of the Valkyries", made no sense to me in German. It only became a song that I could really appreciate when it was used in a media that I could appreciate; and that was as the song "Kill the Wabbit" sung by Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny. Now who said Saturday morning cartoons cannot be educational!

However, if Elmer and Bugs helped me to begin to understand opera, the one performance that really opened my eyes to the true wonders and possibility of Opera was the stunning performance of the Albanian songstress, Inva Mula Tchako, who was the voice behind the character Diva Plavalaguna in the movie "The Fifth Element". In it she sings an aria from Donizetti’s Lucia di Lammermoor (the mad scene), and “The Diva dance” song. I may still not understand the language but the way it is presented certainly helped me appreciate it. Allow me to share this song with you. For those serious Philistines like me, try to hang on till at least the 3.28 minute mark when a transformation occurs.

Menu for Illusion Only

It's Friday night. To celebrate, my wife and I went to have dinner at a Hong Kong style Restaurant which we had not been to for awhile. After struggling through the heavy Friday evening traffic, it felt wonderful to be seated at the table, sipping Chinese tea and looking at the large menu.

And then, I found my self staring at the menu. Staring, staring and then laughing. The menu was mostly in Chinese but they were also considerate enough to include an English translation and there is where the fun started. Here are some of the gems:-

"The pictures are only for illusion only."

"The food comes complete with ingredients"

"Like hero and beautiful woman,
good food goes with good wine.
We recommend our corn no saur wine."

"Try our fresh lazy river fish."

In honor of such literary brilliance, I offer the following other jewels for your reading pleasure.

I know Chinese have a reputation of eating anything but cowboys and germs........really?
And here's a bonus picture. When you don't know what it is called, just stick with what you know.

An Introduction to Bollywood Movies

I understand that a certain movie filmed in Mumbai, India has made it big time in Hollywood and is really making waves. I refer of course to the Oscar winning movie, Slumdog Millionaire. Now I have not seen this movie yet but I am not unfamiliar with Indian movies. In fact, I understand that Hollywood and Bollywood plan to increase collaborating on more movies.

So on the verge of a Bollywood invasion of Hollywood, I have decided to provide a public service by preparing the world for this up-coming cultural treat. Don't worry if you are unfamiliar with Indian culture or the Hindi language. I have selected two videos of Indian movies' famous dance sequences. With the help of subtitles prepared by Bufflax, you will find that these movies are really quite
attainable and enjoyable.

Just in case, you will find the first video a little too much of a culture shock and unfamiliar, I have included the second video which is an Indian adaptation of the musicvideo "Thriller". So at least that will be somewhat familiar.

This is a public service for world peace and understanding. No thanks needed. Enjoy.

Smashing Thoughts

It is clear from her blog, DutchCorner , that Marja is a brave and passionate woman, especially in her concern for children welfare in general and for those with learning difficulties specifically. She is also a very good promoter of the blogging community, so do go visit and learn about what is happening in her corner. Just to confuse matters, her corner of the world is actually New Zealand. Intrigued? Confused? Drop in on her blog and all will be clear.

Recently, Marja celebrated her 10,000th visitor and she was also given the "Brilliant Weblog Premio 2008" Award. All the denizens of this Realm send their congratulations to Marja on her twin achievements.

On that special occasion, in typically generous fashion, she celebrated by giving out some awards of her own, which is how the Lone Grey Squirrel came to get his grubby paws on the "Smashing Blog" Award. Many thanks, Marja.


This squirrel was mesmerised by the pretty award for most of the day. You might be familiar with this look.......it is the same when a squirrel's eyes are caught in a car's headlights. When I was finally able to stop staring at the bright light, I did what comes naturally to inquisitive squirrels; I asked, "What does 'Smashing' mean?"

According to the Merriam-Webster On-line Dictionary, smashing can either mean 1. crushing (as in, smashing defeat) or 2. extraordinarily impressive (as in, smashing performance). Squirrels are more familiar with the first meaning as in the case of "smashing nuts" to get to the goodies inside but I am hoping that the award refers to the second meaning. Here it is again, this schizophrenic nature of the English language where either the same word can mean completely different things or different and opposite words can mean the same thing.

So we find that when something is good, it is "cool" but it could also be "hot". It is cool to be driving a hot car but the hot chick can still give you the cold shoulder which just isn't cool, dude.

I heard this recently and I thought it also illustrates this point well; "How can you tell that you have grown old? You tell you best friend that you are having an affair and he asks who is the caterer."

Then there is the use of the same or similar word twice to reverse the meaning. Actually this is apparently true of many languages, where a double negative gives a positive. For example, "He would not disagree." means "He agreed". A professor of English is said to have given a class on this very topic recently and he said that many languages have this "double negative equals positive rule" but though some languages also have the reverse which is that "double positive equals negative", that is not the case in the English language. There was silence initially as his students scribbled down their notes but then a voice from the back of the lecture hall said, "Yeah, right!"

Ah, English.......she is always evolving. Isn't it simply smashing? (and I mean both meanings of the word).

Chinese for Dummies

The Realm of the Lone Grey Squirrel's continued efforts to serve the community at large has resulted in this third post in a series of extended education courses in languages. The first two introduced readers to the basics of English for Swedes and ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphics. Today, we will introduce you to the basics of one of the most spoken languages in the world, Chinese. Learning Chinese our way is easy. Good Luck! (Click on image to enlarge).

We Da Men

"A little knowledge is a dangerous thing" so goes that famous saying. I often warn my wife to beware of taking advice from some obscure website with regards to health issues as often these websites take a little kernel of knowledge and turn it into a big bag of pop-corn emptiness.

My mother-in-law once had a severe headache but the only medication she could find was a time-release medicine capsule. She understood that the capsule consists of tiny little spheres which dissolve at different rates so that the medication is released gradually over 24 hours. However she wanted quick relief and so she rather "cleverly" crushed the capsule into fine powder and then mixed it in water to drink. Of course, she virtually over-dosed but luckily she woke up 12 hours later groggy but fine. "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing." Or it might be darn embarrassing.

Before I continue, I must introduce you to my partner in shame. His name is Magdy and we were both bright, smart, whipper-snappers at University together. Our combined "little knowledge" would get us into some pretty dumb situations.

Well, perhaps one of the most memorable caper was when we were traveling in Germany and we needed to go to find a latrine at a train station. Our problem was that we did not speak much German at the time. The latrines were labeled "Herren" and "Damen" but which was for males and which for females?

I wonder, dear readers, which would you have chosen for men and which for women and why. As for Magdy and I, we put on our thinking caps and came up with this folly;

1. Assumption: most European languages were derived from and based on ancient Latin.
2. Assumption: we should be able to recognise the root word in either English or German. Just as "rat" is "ratte" and cat is "katze" and "Monday" is "Montag".
3. Therefore,we applied this logic and came up with Herren is for females as it has the root word "Her"
4. While "Damen" was obviously for men as it is clearly derived from "Da Men".

Hence this embarrassing story in which my intellectual dignity was only rescued by the presence of mind to ask Magdy to test out our theory first!

My apologies to mago and any German reader for the mess we made with your language. Who are we? We da men.

Field Report on Manglish

"Perfessor Squirrel McNutts"
Foremost Field Anthropologist
Dear readers,
At almost no cost whatsoever, the Realm of the lone Grey Squirrel has managed to get world famous field anthropologist, "Perfessor" Squirrel McNutts, to send us his latest report from the field. "Perfessor" has just completed an extensive two day study of Malaysians. Here is his cutting edge report:-


Hello there. This is McNutts here, reporting in after a strenuous two full days in the jungles of Malaysia where I am studying that enigmatic human tribe called a Malaysian.

I have been paying particular attention to the sounds that they make. As you know squirrels all round the world speak a common language called "Chitterese", which is why world domination of the world by squirrels is just a matter of time. Humans, on the other hand seem to have developed a whole set of different "languages".

At first, the Malaysian human seemed to communicate through a series of rapid grunts and whistles but when you record it and then slow it down and play it backwards, it then sounds like some form of perverted English. Previous explorers have called it "Manglish". However, today, there is even a debate about the origin of the word "Manglish". Was it, as some believe, merely a contraction of the words "Malaysian" and "English"? Or could it be, as I believe, meant to describe how the English language had been mangled.

You decide. I have included a transcript of a recording made during this current expedition as well as my best translation into modern English.

Transcript:-
Subject 1: "Hey you guys doing what?"
Subject 2: "Nut'in, brudder. We lepak only-lah."
Subject 1: "The new James Bond movie is on now. You wanna see or not. I hear it is damn
shiok!"
Subject 3: "I wanted to go yesterday but no member-lah."
Subject 1: "Jom. I'll go buy tickets for the evening show."
Subject 3: "Can call the Tan sisters or not?"
Subject 1: "Why-ah?"
Subject 2: "Aiyoo! He like Jane Tan-lah! he is like basket case around her."
Subject 1: "Sure or not? Which one is Jane Tan-ah?"
Subject 2: "She's that small chilli padi in our English class."
Subject 1: "What-lah, man! That one already got boyfriend-mah."
Subject 2: "I already said. Some more, the boyfriend very jealous one and is a Jinjang Joe."
Subject 1: "Ya-lah! Don't play-play. There are lots more fish."
Subject 3: "Ooi, you guys don't give me problem-lah. Relaks, brudders. It's one movie only
what."
Subject 1: "Wah, like that all of us die-lah."


Traslation:-
Subject 1: "Hello, my dear fellows. May I enquire as to what you are doing at this moment?"
Subject 2: "We are doing nothing in particular, my friend. We are just hanging out together."
Subject 1: "In that case, would you both like to go to see the new James Bond movie which is
currently showing in the cinemas. I hear that it is fantastic."
Subject 3: "I had wanted to go yesterday but could not find any one to accompany me."
Subject 1: "Come on, then. I will buy tickets for us for the evening screening."
Subject 3: "Say, can we also invite the Tan sisters to join us?"
Subject 1: "Whatever for?"
Subject 2: "He is smitten with Jane Tan, that's why. He acts like a total imbecile whenever she is
around. "
Subject 1: "Is that really true? Who is this Jane Tan anyway?"
Subject 2: "She's that small and feisty girl in our English class."
Subject 1: "Good Heavens, man! She already has a boyfriend."
Subject 2: "I have already warned him that the boyfriend is the jealous type and that he is a real
thug."
Subject 1: "Exactly! Not someone to be trifled with or taken lightly. Besides, there are many
more attractive girls out there."
Subject 3: "I would appreciate it if you both drop this matter, get off my case and just calm
down. After all, I am only talking about asking her out for just one movie."
Subject 1: "You are going to get us all in to trouble."

Hieroglyphics for Dummies

Two weeks ago, I had a post on the Two Ronnies showing how to speak English, the Swedish way. In the interest of promoting better global understanding and world harmony, I am posting this sequel which helps us ordinary people to understand some of our classical languages. In this case, it is Egyptian or at least hieroglyphics.

For a long time, hieroglyphics were a mystery. No one knew what stories were locked behind those wonderful symbols. However, the French were to discover a stone that had hieroglyphics on one side and other known languages on the other sides. This allowed the hieroglyphics to be translated against the corresponding word in the other language. This stone, the Rosetta Stone, was the key to unlocking the ancient language.

Fortunately, we no longer need to spend half our lives in musty University libraries to understand hieroglyphics, thanks to the availability of materials such as that famous series, "Hieroglyphics for Dummies". Here, the Two Ronnies present a video tutorial from the series.

English for Swedes

I enjoy listening to accents, especially those with a lilting melodic characteristic. The Welsh accent is probably my favorite with the Indian and Swedish accent close behind in this category. Malaysians' do not speak English with an accent as much as speak a pariah mix of English and Malay which we lovingly call Manglish. However, that is a topic for a different post.

Today, I'd like to share with you this wonderful clip from the British comedy duo of "The Two Ronnies" which illustrates how easy it is to speak English with a Swedish accent or otherwise known as "Lessons in Conversational English for Swedes". Before we proceed further, evalinn and other Swedish readers, please forgive the bad squirrel for posting this video and to the rest of you, enjoy.

A "Cloak and Dapper" Tale

I had to sit for an English proficiency exam before going to the UK to study. This was way back when I could still do something dumb and get away with saying, "So what did you expect! I'm just an irresponsible teenager!" Ah, the good old days with a built in excuse! Oh, how I miss them. Ah, but I digress as usual.

My command of English was fairly good so I was not very worried about this exam but as I sat through the preliminary briefing I was feeling a little intimidated that the examiner kept making the point that we would be tested on our ability to listen to and comprehend a native English-speaker. As he mentioned it for the umpteenth time, I could feel a knot in my stomach and my stomach is never wrong. Nevertheless, the initial section of essays and questions went well.

Finally we got to section B. In this section, the exam candidates had to listen to a 15 minute recording of a lecture and then answer questions about what we had heard. At first it sounded like gibberish. Perhaps it was the wrong tape or the tape player was going at the wrong speed. It seemed unintelligible. Then the horrific truth began to dawn. The native English speaker we were listening to had an incredibly broad and rich Scottish accent. Whatever it was, it was not the Queen's English. I got through but I learnt then that there were many forms of English.

Eventually I ended up at the University of London in Chelsea College. It was a good place to study ..... friendly and very accommodating to foreign students; we really felt quite at home, one of the lads. I learnt a lot during my time there.

One thing I learnt was that the English had many euphemisms for the toilet. When I first arrived, I found that airports and other transportation hubs preferred to call it the WC which is short for water closet. The common folk may refer to it as the loo, the lav, the john (some say it was named in honor of the not-so-popular King John from the legends of Robin Hood) or the privy (presumably a place of privacy to do the deed). As you rise in society, you may encounter the "throne room" which implies a certain level of decorum that really doesn't exist. Polite society may call it the "gents" or the restroom. I became familiar with all of these but there was one more term that I would become exposed to, only in my final year at University.

It began with the students given the responsibility to plan the Christmas dinner and dance for the Department. Everyone was given different responsibilities and I ended up being in the group in charge of physical arrangements. We were having the party at the cafeteria of one of the smaller buildings. My team had to clean the place and put up the decorations. We spent a good part of the day doing it.

At about 4 in the afternoon, our faculty Dean came by to wish us luck with our preparations. He enthused as we showed him around our decorations and arrangements for the hall. He complimented our work and he stressed that the evening was very important as he had invited the Dean of the prestigious college X (name is changed to protect me from hate mail) and his wife for the party and he wanted to make a good impression. We assured him that we would be on our best behaviour to make him proud. He was about to leave when suddenly, he asked us "Where is the room for the coats and cloaks?" As it happened, all six of us on physical detail were all foreign students and had totally overlooked the fact that it being winter, the guests would arrive with coats and cloaks and would need to deposit said items in a secure location before joining the party.

The Dean repeated, "You'll have to have a room to put the coats and cloaks." We considered the dilemma for a moment. The truth was there were no rooms available for that use. After some discussion, we told the Dean that the best thing we could do was to get a couple of large tables, place them in a small enclosed alcove near the entrance. The coats and cloaks could be placed neatly there and we would place the registration table in front of that basically securing the area. As the registration table would be manned at all times, the coats and cloaks would be safe. Satisfied with this arrangement, the Dean bid us good fortune and left us to our final preparations.

The party was supposed to start at 7.30 pm. By 7.OO everything looked wonderful and the food which was being brought in by our colleagues on the food and beverage committee smelt delicious. At this point, the place was still fairly empty as it was still early. As fortune would have it, the first two selected by ballot to man the registration table was myself and my good friend Hardeep Singh, both of us non-native English speakers!

Around 7.15 pm, a handful of people had started to drift in. After registering with us, we took their coats and cloaks, placed those on the table behind us and they were free to enter the hall for music and food. Hardeep and I were in a jolly mood as we had already imbibed on some of the good beer available.

Through the glass doors, we could see our Dean with his VIP guests. They were walking about at the front of the building. He was probably taking them around for a little tour. Before long though, the visiting Dean's wife left her husband and our Dean, who were talking animatedly about some plaque on the wall, and started through the glass doors, right towards our table.

I was intimidated by the sight of her and I think so was Hardeep. She walked with a certain posture and grace which coupled with her elegant evening gown alerted us both that we were about to be in the presence of breeding and aristocracy; something neither of us had any experience of before this. We both stood up in anticipation.

She glided across the floor to our table and in the very purest of blue-blood accents asked, "Do you have a cloakroom?" We were probably standing there with our mouths gaping, blinded by her glittering diamonds and awestruck by the her fur coat draped around her shoulders. She repeated, "Can you show me to the ladies cloakroom?"

Hardeep, bless him, recovered first and managed to blurt out, "I'm sorry madam but we have no ladies cloakroom."

At that, she seemed to recoil physically but she persisted, "No. You don't understand. You must have a ladies cloakroom."

Hardeep was on a roll. "No, madam. You don't understand. We forgot all about a ladies cloakroom. But do not worry. Please just deposit it on this table and I guarantee that my partner and I will watch over it .....all night!"

At this stage, my ladyship's face had turned from red to green and finally pale. I had listened to this exchange in silence but now my brain had finally caught up with real life time. Without a word, I gently took the almost catatonic woman by the elbow and led her down the corridor to the "ladies" and slowly and deliberately said, "The Ladies' Cloakroom, madam."

She entered the room in silence but with relief written all over her face. I was grinning from ear to ear as I sauntered back to Hardeep who looked at me inquisitively as he still was unclear about what had just happened.

"Hardeep," I said, "She needed to go to the ladies and you asked her to deposit it on the table."

"And we'd watch over it all night" he continued. Then we both burst out laughing and we laughed until we cried tears.

Moral of the story:- Don't trust your VIP guests to non-native English speakers.