New Sports for the Olympic Games

on Friday, August 08, 2008

Did you ever wonder what were the original events at the Olympic Games way back in 776 BC? Well, through the wonders of Wikipedia, we can tell you that there were several footraces ranging from their equivalent to the 100 m sprint all the way to their version of the marathon; boxing, wrestling, full contact martial arts, pentathlon, javelin, discus and long jump. There was even something called the hoplitodromos which was basically a race while in full battle gear.

It doesn't take much to realise that these games were in fact a means of showing off the military skills and prowess of the participating Greek states. During those times of war, the skills displayed by the athletes in the Olympic Games have really to do with skills needed to survive their daily lives.

That, of course, led this squirrel to think that it is about time that the current modern Olympic Games become more relevant to the daily lives of people everywhere. Some sports should surely be dropped. What practical use, for example, is "synchronised swimming" to the modern world citizen? Equestrian sports may have made sense during the time of the cowboys and injuns or the romantic Calvary period of warfare but today what is the relevance when even the U.S. Calvary divisions have long since replaced their horses with tanks. These irrelevant sports should be dropped.

I would like to suggest some new sports that better reflect skills valued in modern living today.

Take the high jump event, how has this skill been useful since the Berlin Wall was torn down? Instead, I recommend it to be replaced by the "Queue Jumping" event. This skills in this event is something almost all of us need on a daily basis as the increasingly fast pace of modern life has made this a necessity. Lining up docilely in queues at places like the post office or the cinema is something that has disappeared with the Victorian Age. I think little old ladies with walking sticks or umbrellas and who aren't afraid to use them would be Olympic Champions in this event.

Weightlifting has events called "snatch", "jerk" and similar. But really with the advent of robots and machines to do the heavy work, how relevant is heavy weight lifting anymore? Instead, the "Snatch and run" event would be a modern favorite, showcasing the skills needed by the modern snatch thief. Each athlete would have a short distance in which they must pick up speed and successfully snatch a purse from a pedestrian and then run to the finish line. It also has the advantage of taking these criminals off the streets and giving them a lucrative career as an athlete.

Javelin throwing is so passe. How many of us still defend our property or fight wars with spears? In fact, in this age of enlightened diplomacy and politics, it is not politically correct for us to have sports based on war activities. So, javelin throwing should be removed and replaced by the modern equivalent of "Mudslinging". Hilary Clinton may have lost the race for the Democrat Presidential Nomination but she would be a winner of this Olympic event.

Finally, too many Olympic Games of late have been stained by drug use scandals. The words of the wise say, "If you can't beat them, join them." Hence, the new Olympic events of "Drug Running" and "Dope Peddling".

If you agree with me, please write to the International Olympic Committee and ask for these new sports to be included in time for the London Olympics in 2012.


Lone Grey Squirrel said...

My apologies to Squirrelmama, Medstudentwife, claire and thewalkingman but your earlier comments for this post has mysteriously fallen into a black hole that was spontaneously formed on this blog. I have now reversed the positronic flow just like DATA does in Star Trek and it should now be safe to leave fresh comments.

Molly said...

At the risk of disappearing down the rabbit hole, I'd like to be sure that you're joking about synchronised swimming and equestrian events....Otherwise I might have to send my synchronised swimmer and horsewoman over to rough you up!!

geewits said...

Nooooooo! You made fun of my beloved Olympics. I can easily forgive you because you made an awesome Star Trek reference. With Data!

Now that my husband has gone back to school, I watch TNG for 3 or 4 hours every Monday night. I love it!

Urban Animal said...

Great suggestions lGS! Love the queue jumping :) wonder if any will ever be accepted?

Glad to see I can post a comment, was wondering yesterday. Blogger can be a PITA sometimes...

Dr.John said...

I think your list needs more refinement. If you want it to be relevant to today.
For example "personal bombing" the winner is the one that blows up the modst duimmies with explosives strapped to his or her body. Medal warded to spouse.

MedStudentWife said...


I couldn't even begin to recreate as it was off the cuff.... anyway to Data bring the comments back ?

Guess I was just suggesting that public transit offers a varied numbered of opportunities to have Olympic skilled events in a much more modern and relevant context...

Like dodge the strollers at the front of the bus, dodge the standing people with gigantic backpacks ( also at the front of the bus) to be the first to get to the empty seats at the back of the bus.

Or stand an hour in the rain ( cause the bus that was suppose to show up didn't) to get on a standing room only bus that has a 2 hr ride home... then the skill becomes jockeying for a seat.


Blogger comments has been really weierd lately...I've hadproblemstoo

Delirious said...

I have to admit that I was surprised last night to hear that they now have an Olympic event for beach volleyball. What, wasn't regular volleyball good eough?

On a limb with Claudia said...

ahahahahahahahahahahahaha .... you are a total crack up!

I had a tough time with blogger in the last week.

Jo said...

I would also like to see Queue Jumping Bashers as a sport as well. I would win. When people jump in front of me in the bus lineup, I'm really good at grabbing them by the scruff of the neck and hauling them to their rightful place in the line. And I love the applause I get from the rest of the crowd.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Okay, don't lynch me. I understand that people like watching synchronised swimming and equestrian events. However, in the context of my post i was trying to say these skills do not relate to modern day daily challenges of living. Anyway, it was all meant in jest. :)

Thank you for setting your phaser to "stun" and not to "annihilate".

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

urban animal,
Are you training for the next Olympics in the 10km run category?

dr. john,
I am surprised that you suggested such a violent sport! However, it is said that the fastest game in the world was "pass the parcel" in an Irish pub. (in case it was a parcel bomb).

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Actually, your wonderful comment has re-surfaced but lies in the post before this. As I said, I love your idea of a Rapid Transport obstacle course.

It's an excuse to wear bikinis and trunks.

Queue Jumping Bashers? Would you score by technique or amount of damage?

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