War is Stupid and Sweet

on Saturday, May 10, 2008

DONUT WAR I (the story so far)

It all began last Saturday with an unprovoked first strike attack on Canada. The full ghastly details were reported by the Hollydale International. Apparently, Olga the Traveling Bra was pressed ganged into providing essential technology to launch two, we repeat, two intercontinental jelly donuts on an attack on Canada. Substantial damage was done to one of the primary targets but the other donut caused little damage after developing a jelly leak.

Retaliation was not long in coming. On Wednesday, the whole of Chico, California was hit by a sugar bomb causing humans, livestocks and buildings to be covered with powdered sugar. Before the sugar dust had even settled, sticky fingers were pointed at likely perpetrators and bloggers mobilised their forces and took sides .

To avert full scale pie throwing, a secret consortium of allied nations (U.N.A.C. - United Nations Atkin's Coalition) has drafted a document, pledging resources for a peacekeeping mission. Paradise entered the fray and committed their armed forces to the UNAC. Concerned world citizens watch in apprehension as each side continued to unveil confectionery of increasingly greater kilocalories in an apparent show of strength and to intimidate their opponents.

DONUT WAR I (breaking news)
Squirrels have declared war against Paradise and her allies in retaliation for the recent incident in which an innocent squirrel was lured into a dungeon and locked up by Paradise forces. Squirrels dismiss claims that the squirrel was a spy as pure fantasy of the part of the Paradise authorities fueled by a sugar high.


DONUT WAR I (Interview with General McNuts)
General McNuts of the Squirrel forces say that squirrels are not intimidated by the giant kilocalorie confectionery weapons of the enemy saying, "Their intercontinental ballistic donuts and their sugar bombs do not scare us. Squirrels have sugar proof bunkers in almost every other tree and can survive these attacks without getting their fur sticky."

General McNuts of the Secret Grey Squad

Asked about the squirrel campaign strategy, General McNuts said,"We do not believe in the effectiveness of using large WMD. Our campaign is based on three strategy. The first is that small donuts are easier to make, transport and use. The second strategy was to have in place a long term trigger mechanism based on the use of mass media to send out subliminal messages.

Subliminal Messages

And finally the third strategy is that the size of the confectionery doesn't matter, it's what's in it that counts! Squirrel scientist first used this special technology to increase the potency of snowcones but it can be used in donuts."

"doesn't matter what size it is, it's what's in it that counts".

Regular readers will know that the Squirrel has been in a bit of a funk over recent world events. While we apologise to those appalled by today's silliness, we actually recommend getting into a food fight as a great way of getting out of a funk.

20 comments:

On a limb with Claudia said...

SQUIRREL WAR TAKES A TURN

Denver, Colorado, US: Ever the peacemaker, the ultimate middle child sensed a disturbance in the squirrel world. As a gesture of peace, she left a grocery bag full of sunflower seeds out to feed the general squirrel population. Squirrels far and wide have par taken in the bounty.

These squirrels now work in an effort to keep peace between the sunflower seed provider and the squirrel population.

Dr.John said...

What the world needs now is more donut throwers and fewer bullet shooters.

K.C. said...

OHMYGOD! I was so confused at first. Then I figured out what was going on and started clicking around on sites. This is hilarious! Great! KC

Anonymous said...

Speedcat: I Will B Back! / On Mobile

Anonymous said...

Speedcat: I Will B Back! / On Mobile

A Happy Downtowner said...

OMG Canada my poor country! What's the world coming to??? Donuts heh? :)

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

Appalled by silliness?!? Do such people exist? I surely hope not!!! :)
Great reporting Mr. Squirrel!

Marja said...

Don't know what all the fuzz about donuts was about dear LGS I was totally mesmerized by the picture of the cute squirrel.

Gerbil said...

How very ironic, as my backyard squirrel bounded past my deck this morning, carrying what appeared to be part of a doughnut in his mouth.

I thought he'd either stolen part of someone's breakfast from their patio, or had been tossed an offering by adoring children.

But now I understand!!

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

claudia,
Thanks. Sunflower seeds do help a lot.

Dr. john,
donuts instead of bullets and pillow fights instead of bombs. Silliness to end meanness and strife.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Kc,
Thanks for visiting and leaving comments. Come back again. Lots of virtual donuts.

Speedcat,
Speeding somewhere? Thanks for coming and leaving comments.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Happy Downtowner,
Bagels which are harder than donuts will be used next!

olga,
Thanks for helping start the food fight!

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

marja,
It's all madness. Temporary insanity over here. Glad you liked the photo.

gerbil,
Squirrel running past with a part of a donut? Now do you believe in the dark secret donut war?

MedStudentWife said...

Must get more Joe Louis in my shelter...

Robert said...

keep your stale donuts in mayonaise jars..buried in red clay..it keeps them potent...rumours abound about a rubber chicken attack from Hollydale..be prepared...:))

Jocelyn said...

I'd like to tell George W to go throw a few donut holes.

squirrelmama said...

Let the weapons of mass consumption (also known as WMC) be detonated!! Bravo, LGS, for making the current mood of the world a bit more palatable (albeit with a few more kilocalories than many of us would like).

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

msw,
Joe Louis? Is that strong enough?

robert,
thanks for the warning but I think I will sit it out if the chicken really starts flying as it were.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

jocelyn,
Donuts unfortunately are to good for Bush!

squirrelmama,
Weapons of Mass Consumption! Hahaha.

Janice Thomson said...

Absolutely hilarious - I loved this LGS! Superb writing.

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