I Get No Respect

“I get no respect.” That used to be a catch-phrase for the late comedian Rodney Dangerfield. I know what he means. At least, Rodney had the advantage of an exciting name such as Dangerfield! I regret my given name is no help at all.

My Chinese name carries the meaning of “kind and gentle” or in other words a roll-over. I mean in today’s cut-throat world, one should have a strong name like “brave warrior”. No, even better, “Braveheart”. Yeah! Chinese names can carry slightly different meanings based on dialect and the phonetics. I have heard an alternative interpretation of my name to mean “cool celestial cloud”. If I had run off and joined a hippie commune as I had planned when I was younger, I could be cool with that meaning as it sounds vaguely free spirited and new age. Since I did not do so, that meaning still lags behind “Braveheart”.

When I studied in England, I found people could not get their tongues round my “cool” name which was not so cool. This time I cannot blame my parents cause I chose an Anglicized name myself. I chose the name because mainly, I wanted to be different and no one else I knew had that name. Since then I learned why that name is seldom chosen. Extensive research has brought me to the inescapable conclusion that my chosen name means only one thing, “bald”. I just hope that it's not prophetic.

In Canada, I met up with a first people’s artist by the name of Shingosi. He mistook me as a native brother, probably because I have that down-trodden look. Anyway, after that misunderstanding cleared up, he invited me to his clan's pow-wow and said he would give me an Indian name. I never made it to the pow-wow and missed this wonderful opportunity but I’d like to believe my Algonquin name might be like “Wolf Spirit”. Yeah!

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to seek the combined wisdom of the great Google community as to what might be my other names. If you would like to do the same then follow the links below.

My Squirrel Name is Deputy Nuttykins.
Deputy? I didn't even make sheriff and what kind of family name is Nuttykins. It imples that all my relatives are nut-cases too. Hmm. Not a good start to this new name adventure.

My Native American Name is Grant's Shadowy Pencil.
What?!?! Oh, mannnn! This is awful. Instead of some great warrior name, this name, I don't know, perhaps it alludes to the untrustworthiness of General Grant's treaties with the native peoples. But aw, man! "Shadowy Pencil"? that's not even a pen or a peace pipe. Creator of Indian Name Generator speaks with forked tongue and twisted mind. Beware! I am sending telephatic tomahawks at you.

My Hobbit Name is Samwise Hornblower of Waymoot.
"Samwise"! Hurray! At last a hero's name. Wait a minute. That was Samwise Gamgee! I don't remember any Hornblowers from where? ....Waymoot?

My Elvish Name is Tuor of Nargothrond.
Okay, I can live with that but mainly cause I have no idea what it means. With my luck, Tuor probably means "bald". Can you imagine a bald elf?

My Vampire Name is Consort of Crows.
Apparently, I was known as Sultan of Angels until I was cast out of heaven for being a vampire. What a demotion! From Sultan of Angels to Consort of Crows. That is a bad career move if ever I saw one. I thought all vampires would have cool and powerful names like "Fangs" or "Count Devilishly Charming". I don't think the few friends I have appreciate being refered to as crows either.

My Pirate Name is “Sharkbait” Doug Grimm.
Give me a break!!! "Sharkbait"?!?! What kind of name is that for a pirate? I'd even settle for a coloured beard like Bluebeard or Silverbeard.

My Name if I were the Pope is
Pope Envious Donald IV.
I really can't get any respect. I get to be the Pope but I apparently am not Pious or Innocent but Envious. So true. I'd be envious of everybody else's nice names.

My Star Wars Jedi Name is Lohch Hakua of the planet Glucophage.
I will settle for small mercies. Planet Glucophage sounds nice. After the other surprises above, I am just glad it isn't Glob Offat from the planet Norespect.

My Fairie Name is Thorn Hailtree, protector of the lonely.
Oh great. When I am trying to be macho, I get wussie names but now that I'm trying to get a fairy name, I get Thorn Hailtree. Sounds butch. I thought fairies should have names like Tinkerbell, Sugerplum or Dewdrop. I'll bet you that I am all alone protecting the lonely too. It's probably one of the least popular fairy jobs to have.

Finally in desperation, I decided to find out what ....
My Porn Name is Orson Swift (if I am a pimp) and Ginger Wide (If I was the star).
I'm not sure but I think I would also get no respect from other pimps with a name like "Swift". Ginger Wide? I'm not that desperate for a new name.

At the end of this exercise, I am resigned to getting no respect and am happy to be known as the Lone Grey Squirrel. I obviosly can do a lot worse.

I'd like to acknowledge my muse Kat who got me thinking by her wonderful coverage of the naming of the panda cub at Atlanta Zoo.