Unusual Articles in Local News

on Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Crime and Punishment
By the Crime Beat Reporter

Young Rodney awaited the Hanging Judge’s judgment with baited breath. The evidence against him was overwhelming; CSI officers determined that his stool samples reeked of sour cream and onions, his blood showed unhealthy levels of salt and preservatives consistent with having chewed on plastic and consuming large amounts of commercially available potato chips, and finally, he was apprehended while trying to break-in and return to the scene of the crime.

The accused in the Docks.

His court appointed lawyer tried to protest on grounds of entrapment since a rat trap was used and baited with meat. But the Hanging Judge would hear none of it. Rodney tried to invoke sympathy, using his large round eyes to good effect and twitching his nose whiskers. Finally, the verdict was handed down ……..GUILTY on charges of pooping and stealing and eating junk food.

The judge relented to the pleas of the jury and the public and decided not to hand out the maximum penalty of death by execution. His judgment on this sad case of teenage delinquency read as follows;

“Rodney Rat, that you are guilty of the charges against you, there is no doubt and it has been established in this court. However, as severe and as serious these crimes are, I have been petitioned on your behalf to look at the extenuating circumstances. It appears you grew up living off the scraps from the restaurants; it was a tough neighborhood where you were always bullied by larger ruffian rats. Your mother disappeared one night and you decided to move to the suburbs where you began your life of crime. It will be noted that you were down on your luck and had recently been evicted three times. Some character witnesses said that you were a product of a deprived environment. It is therefore the judgment of this court that you will be rehabilitated by relocation into a better, richer and more affluent neighborhood, where it is hoped the better environment will enable you to turn from crime and make an honest living in their garbage cans. If, however, you return to crime, at least you will be stealing from the filthy rich and not hard working citizens dependent on their junk food for solace. If you never want to appear before this court again, then take this chance and from now on steal only from the rich who won’t even notice it’s gone!!”


Rich Neighborhood Rocked by Strange Incidents
By City Beat Reporter

Residents of the ultra-rich and exclusive gated community of Bayu Angkasa are demanding the police investigate the strange incidents of the night of the 8th January 2007. The whole thing started when a strange car was seen circling the area after midnight. The car was very conspicuous as it had just been raining heavily and there was almost no one else out on the road. The guards at the guardhouse notified the police at 12.15am but by then the car had disappeared round the corner.

One resident with insomnia was looking out of his balcony window when he noticed the car stop by the side of the road. He later reported that he saw a figure come out of the car and took what appeared to be a cage from the passenger side of the car. The witness said that although it was dark, he was sure that some large animal was released from the cage and there were several flashes of light and then the car was driven off. He said he felt a chill down his spine and wondered if he had just witnessed a black magic ritual in which some magical animal had been released to haunt the housing complex.

This reporter also found another resident who said that she heard from someone who heard from someone else who also saw the incident and that person was sure that the driver had thrown a body into the drain. She insists that a search should be done on all drains.

The car was driven off at speed and the driver mad good his escape even as the police sirens could be heard in the distance. The final twist in this story comes from an old man walking his dog. This witness saw the car fly down the hill and into town. He swears that as the car flashed passed him, he could see that the driver was wearing a mask – like the Lone Ranger and shouted something that sounded like “Muhahahaha”. Police dismissed the witness as a unreliable drunk.

Until the matter has been resolved and investigated, the police urge calm and also for residents to stop spreading rumours of two small dark beady eyes peeping in on them at the windows.

Rich Gated Community of Bayu Angkasa

Alledged Site of Release of Beady eyed animal

9 comments:

Ellie said...

LGS,

I think you must have too much time on your hands! lol That was truly funny! You should write a book. So, glad Rodney is alive and living the high life.

Ellie

...Kat said...

a hardy hip-hip-hooray

Freddie jr said...

hilarious, thanks for the much needed smile

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

ellie,
sadly, not enough time to write a book. Started on one but after 3 years and 4 drafts, still on chapter one.

kat,
thank you. another triumph for socialist rodents.

freddie,
happy to be able to provide a chuckle.

adelym said...

Does it really run in our family this writting bug? My friends complain that I write such long emails to them that better I write a book. At least they can take time to read.

Le Nightowl said...

Wonderfully witty and well written, Ecureuil Gris Solitaire :)
Marie

"larger ruffian rats".... Muhahahaha!!!

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Adeline,
between you, me and Seb which one will write a book first? Race, ya!

le nightowl,
Another victory for socialist rodents. By the way, Otters ! Yeaaaah! Seriously, the picture seemed to capture their nature well.

Josie said...

Aha, so Rodney is going to be living high off the hog, as it were. Hmmmm, someone cared enough about him to release him where the pickins' were pretty good. I wonder who that could be....?

Cute story!

Cheers,
Josie

Poetikat said...

Bravo LGS! Long may he reign in the gated community of rich pickings!
I don't know how Nathan will be making out in the woods, but I'm hopeful he can find food. I don't want him to be hanging around other houses where they will surely poison him.

Kat

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